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Check out my Story site!
Stories By WalkingWithFear
Blogs I Read:
Friday's Child
What's cooking?
Wanna link me?
I am
||A follower|| Fearful || Worried ||
||Empty|| A Dreamer|| Compulsive ||
||A Romantic || Forgetfull || Confused||
||Open-minded|| Trustworth|| A Story teller||
||Old Fashion|| A Believer || An Artist ||
||Movie obsessed|| A bad day magnet|| accident prone||
But over all... I am... so lost.
If you would like to contact me on AIM...
WalkingWithFear is the name
The Basics
Date: 10/30/2004
Sex :: Girl....
Height :: 5'6
Clothing :: Jeans and a T-shirt
This or that...
Nice smiles or nice eyes? :: nice eyes
Jeans or skirts? :: Jeans
Boots or sneakers? :: both
Natural or make-up? :: natural
Restaurants or fast food? :: Restaurants
Italian food or Chinese? :: Chinese
Streaked or dyed hair?:: Neither
Vampires or Gods? :: Vampires... and Greek gods
Drugs or cigarettes? :: None thanks!
Cake or pie? :: Cake
How...
Do you want to die? :: Saving someone else's life
Much time do you take to dress up? :: 5 or 10 mins depending on how up you are talking...
Sing? :: only quitely... I don't sing well.
Dance? :: Love it
Do you...
Like spicy food? :: Definately, bring on those cajun spices!
Prefer bagels over yogurt? :: BAGELS!
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend? :: No
Think babies are cute: Yeah!
Children in general? :: Most are pretty fun, some are just aggravating.. heh
Believe that everyone has a purpose in life? :: Yeah! Only that everyone doesn't use their abilities to do anything.
Are...
You a girl? :: Uh... last time i checked...yea
You a comedian? :: I like to make people laugh, but i dunno
Your friends true friends in your opinion? :: People I can trust
Describe...
Your race :: 1/3 Welsh 1/3 Irish 1/3 French
Your hair :: Dirty strawberry blonde
Your eyes :: khaki/gold color, light green outside of that and then a darker green outside of that...
Your perfect mate (physical features) :: It varies... XP
What...
Are your weaknesses? :: I have no faith in myself, I'm lazy, and I'm apathetic
Are your fears? :: Being forgotten, or have people grieving at my funeral, losing the ones I love
Does your perfect pizza consist of? :: Pinapple and Italian Sausage
Is one thing you would like to achieve? :: Get into a good college
three things
you love :: Family, Friends, Wolves
you hate :: spiders, close minded people, and judgemental people
When was ..
last car ride :: last night
last good cry :: Rally...
last library book checked out :: whoa... Jane Austen
last movie seen :: Carrie... and part of IT
last book read :: Pride and Prejudice
last cuss word you said :: fuck
last beverage drank :: water
last food consumed :: um.....
last crush ::
last phone call :: Mr. Mike
last tv show watched :: Real World
last time showered :: This afternoon.
last shoes worn :: Sandals
last cd played :: Home made... (mwhahaha)
last downloaded :: I'll be -Edwin McCain
last annoyance :: School
last disappointment :: Being let down by friends
last soda drank :: Coke 2
last thing written :: Blog entry
last key used :: arrow key
last word spoken :: Bye
last sleep :: last night...
last im :: Supersado
last weird encounter :: Partay
last time amused :: watching movies last night
last time wanting to die :: Never...
last time hugged :: last night XD
last time scolded :: Yesterday
Last time scolding :: Dunno
last time resentful :: Today
last chair sat in :: Dining Room chair
last lipstick used :: Um... brown?
last time dancing :: Mock
last poster looked at :: A Wolf for all Seasons
last webpage visited :: www.blogdrive.com
I HURT :: When someone else hurts
I LOVE :: Art
I HATE :: Hate
I FEAR :: Everything
I HOPE :: I get into a good college
I FEEL :: Stressed
I HIDE :: When I can
I MISS :: my brother
I LEARNED :: You can't hold onto the past, or the future gets away from you.
I NEED :: To stop procrastinating
I THINK :: ALL the time
Contact Me
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Tuesday, July 12, 2005
I guess...
When one has long absences in their journal it can mean one of two things. Either there has been so much in their life that they haven't had the time to write it down. Or that there has been so little that they find little to no inspiration to write about. Mine has pretty much been the latter. But then again I was never really one for writing in journals. But now I have found the time, and a little bit of inspiration.
Like my first entry ever i will begin with something about my mother... She's a smoker, though she most definately doesn't chain smoke. She has 4 or 5 a day i suppose, and she always goes outside, she doesn't want the rest of us to have to smell it. So as of lately she has been doing much better, her back doesn't bother her as much, her stomach and throat don't bother her as much cause she has medicine for it...But lately she has developed a cough... They say it's bronchitis, but me and my brother have a gut fear for emphezema. I don't think i would ever be able to live without my mom. And i'd never be able to live with just my dad.
We are in New York for most of july. But when we go home, i'll have to go back to school pretty soon. I'm sooo sick of my school... of Louisiana. I've been trying to convince my parents to move for the last month. Usually my dad is the one who wants to move. To go out and live in montana or something. And my mom is actually all for it. But I don't think they're taking me seriously. I really honestly do not want to return to my school. I would give anything to leave. What have I got for me here? I do not like the weather i don't like the school system. I don't like a lot of things about Louisiana. I won't be going to school with any of my friends anymore... I have a very few friends worth staying around for. And boyfriend? Zip.
I get to go to New York City finnally. We should be going within the next couple weeks. I'm excited, my cousin lives up there and we get to visit her and her family. I want to visit New York University and Grenich Village. My mom has been before. I can't wait.
-The Fearful Walker Posted at 10:25 pm by NonDiutiusAmor
Saturday, November 20, 2004
Laughter
\Laugh"ter\, n. A movement (usually involuntary) of the muscles of the face, particularly of the lips, with a peculiar expression of the eyes, indicating merriment, satisfaction, or derision, and usually attended by a sonorous and interrupted expulsion of air from the lungs.
"Nobody ever died of laughter."
-Max Beerbohm
So last night me and my friend we out for our weekly ritual. Because we don't go to the same school, we do something every friday. Usually we just go to a movie or something, but this friday, we decided we would go to Chili's and walk to Barnes & Nobles. We usually laugh like fools over stupid stuff and our inside jokes all the time, and tonight was no different. We got the best seats and the best waiter.
But i did get the best view. So anyway, we had fun, heh... And he sat with us while taking our orders and everything. So we gave him a big tip and wrote on one of the coasters 'Good service and good looks.' And we high-tailed it out of there. Haha, but we had fun. So we went to Barnes and Nobles and ran into a few people along the way and chatted with them for a while before we rented some movies from hollywood video. It's always an adventure with Alejandra. Haha.
--> f a v o r i t e s .
[x] Day of the week: Tursday
[x] Thing in your room: My Bed
[x] Cousin: Poupee (it's French XP)
[x] CD: Mixed Tape
[x] Song(s): Bad Day, Mix Tape, Leaving on a Jet Plane, Redemption
[x] Animal: Wolf
[x] Ice cream: Ben and Jerry's Chubby Hubby
[x] Drink: Water
[x] Thing to do: Swim, Hang out with friends, Watch movies, Dance
[x] Movies of all time: Pitch Black (and it's sequal), Panic Room, Ever After <3
[x] Hangout: Anywhere but home...
[x] Pizza topping: Not a big fan of pizza... so *shrugs*
--> r a n d o m .
[x] Where do you see yourself in 10 years: Who knows... Hopefull with a job I love.
[x] If you could live anywhere: England... Or New York
[x] Dream house: How could i describe it in words?
[x] What age do you want to get married: When I'm ready...
[x] How many kids do you want: Depends...
[x] Girl's names: Honor, Anne, Faith, Ava, Eve, Noel, Adin
[x] Boy's names: Hayden, Christian, Thomas, Eric, David, Daniel, Derek, Caleb, the list goes on
--> h a v e you e v e r .
[x] Been in love?: No
[x] Lied?: Yes (though not in a while, i've tried to stop)
[x] Cheated on a test?: Not Technically
[x] Cheated on a boyfriend?: No
[x] Eaten something with a lot of fat?: Yes
[x] Had sex?: No
--> f e e l i n g s .
[x] Worst Feeling in the world: Getting in a Fight with a friend, or finding out the guy you like doesn't like you back
[x] Best feeling in the world: Figuring out the Problem.
[x] Can you define love?: not if i've never felt it...
[x] Do you get along with your parents?: With my mom, my dad, sometimes...
[x] Are you ticklish?: Very
--> o p p o s i t e s e x .
[x] 1st thing you notice about the opposite sex: Hair, eyes, smile
[x] Perfect "dream" date: depends on the guy and the weather
[x] What do you look for in the opposite sex?: Maturity,Sense of Humor
[x] What does the opposite sex not know about you?: Ask them?
--> n i g h t T I M E .
[x] What do you wear to bed: Shorts/pajama pants and a shirt usually
[x] What's your bed time: Varies
[x] Do you wish on stars: No
[x] Is there a TV in your room: Yes
[x] What's the last thing you do before you fall asleep: put a movie on
--> m i s c e l l a n e o u s .
[x] How many schools have you been to: 7
[x] Are you passive or aggressive: passive... most of the time
[x] Vanilla or chocolate: chocolate
[x] Would you rather be hot or cold: Cold
[x] What is your curfew: Don't have one
--> f r i e n d s .
[x] Person you can trust the most: No one
[x] What is the best quality of a friend: Honesty
[x] What friend do you have the most fun with: Couldn't say...
[x] Name your friends: Maybe some other time...
--> s t u p i d S T U F F .
[x] Do you glow in the dark: of course! neon blue...
[x] Do you posses magical abilities: Yeah...i can eat fire...
[x] Do you keep your underwear and socks in the same drawer: Yes...
[x] Can you name all 4 Teletubbies: Tinky Winky? Dipsy... La la and poe? Pathetic i know...
[x] If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?: My appearance.
[x] Have you ever tried to kill yourself: No
[x] Do you know anyone who SERIOUSLY wanted to kill themselves?: Yes
[x] Who do you really hate?: One person, but I won't tell..
[x] What are you addicted to?: Movies
[x] Do you like jewelry? Yes
[x] Do you wear a watch?: Yes
[x] Did/Do you have braces?: Yes, I did.
[x] Do you believe in God?: Yes
[x] Do you believe in love at first sight?: No
[x] What are your favorite TV show(s)?: CSI, Law and Order: SVU, Real World, the list goes on
[x] What color tooth brush do you use?: White and Green
[x] Is the glass half empty or half full: Right now... Half Empty
[x] Most dangerous thing you've ever done: Couldn't say...
[x] Are you listening to any of your CDs at the moment: Dashboard Confessionals: SwissArmy Romance
Posted at 03:37 pm by NonDiutiusAmor
Saturday, October 30, 2004
Through the mouth I speak with many voices,
I sing with modulation, with many changes
to the headvoice, I hail loudly,
hold my song, not my voice,
an age-old nightsinger, I bring to men
bliss in the boroughs, when I bend my
voice with a cry; stilled in the villages
they sit renewed. Say what I am called,
who, like a siren of narrative jests
I loudly imitate, announce to men
my song of many greetings.
----------------------
GUess in the comments if you want... And i'll post the anwser later.. Posted at 01:02 pm by NonDiutiusAmor
Monday, October 25, 2004
Posted at 10:27 pm by NonDiutiusAmor
Sunday, October 24, 2004
Never love anyone... like I loved you.
Hiding behind a mask. Hiding from the truth
in me.They'll never see the real me.They'll never see the way
I can be. I'll never miss, what i never had, I'll never cry of a broken
heart. I will never trust them, because my heart holds so much fear.
I'll never get the chance, to see the truth in everyone. I'll never feel
such emotion or want to have such devotion. I'll never give my heart
away, because no one will ever want it. I'll never find true love, be-
cause i'm not willing to take a chance. I'll never miss what i never
had. I'll never cry of a broken heart I'll never miss seeing that
sparkle in your eyes, or that smile on your lips. I'll never miss
... what i never had. I'll never take that leap of faith. I'll
never fall down head over heels. My prince charming
will never be there to catch me. My tears will never
turn to diamonds, and my hair will never be as
blonde as gold. My eyes will never be as blue
as sapphires. My heart will never love as
deeply as it loved you. I'll never beli-
eve your lies, because youu never
told the truth. I'll never ask for
just one more story. I'll nev-
er ask for just one more
kiss. I'll never ever...
Love anyone....
Like I loved
you.
-The Fearful Walker
Posted at 10:30 pm by NonDiutiusAmor
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Yeah...
What happened!?
Heh, well there was all the new homework, the hurricane missing several days of school to move my brother into college and catching up in all my work, then... swimteam starting. Mock is coming up soon, it's basically my school's homecomming. And there is always a theme and you dress to the theme. I don't have a date yet... but i'm hoping that will change soon. It's a sadie hawkins... then again. All of my school's dances are, all girls... so they can't really ask me to my dance. But whatever. They boy's school down the road has a homecoming also. There is one person.... I'd like to ask. But i don't know that I should, because I just met him friday. And have no other way of seeing them but at the next home football game, and that is a week before mock. But I dunno, we'll see.
It's family day at my brother's school this weekend. And we get to go visit him. I haven't seen my brother for... 6 weeks or so? Since labor day weekend. So I can't wait to see him. It's funny how quiet it seems. He didn't talk much I guess. Or that's what everyone said. But he seemed to talk enough to me. And even when he was silent, it wasn't akward. So he didn't talk your ear off... It just made listening to what he did have to say all the more interesting.
I'll write again...
-The Fearful Walker
Posted at 04:55 pm by NonDiutiusAmor
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
Two Days, The Olympics, The Forgotten
Blah... Well not much at all as happened the past few days hence the title. Monday I convinced one of my friends from school to atleast go to the first swim team practice if not join the team. So I guess well see... but I hope she joins.
I've been watching the olympics a lot lately. Isn't it funny how people start going back and remembering all the sports they used to play and always thought they would play for ever. I guess that's how I feel about swimming. I always loved the sport and I would dream beyond belief to be able to go to the Olympics for it... But It's one of those things you have to take a lot of commitment to. So the question is... Do you have it in you?
I saw a preview for a movie today, The Forgotten... And for those who haven't seen the preview, it's about this woman who is married, and has a child. And one day she wakes up and the picture of her, her husband and her son is now a picture of her and her husband. Slowly the people she holds dearest fade from her life. The next thing she sees, her husband doesn't even recognize nor remember her... Or is it all just a scam? Heh... Just imagine how frightening that has to be? One day you're all happy in paradise and then the next the people you held most dear to you are acting like they don't even remember you... Or are they acting? Do they really not remember you? Was it all a dream? And the most important... Do you just move on? Or do you fight back?
-As Always
-The Fearful Walker
Posted at 11:27 pm by NonDiutiusAmor
Sunday, August 15, 2004
Leaving, on a Jet plane... Don't know when i'll be back again...
hate to wake you up to say goodbye.
But the dawn is breaking, it's early morn.The tasi's waiting, he's blowing his horn,
Already i'm so lonesome I could cry
So kiss me and smile for me,
Tell me what you'll wait for me.
Hold me like you'll never let me go.
'Cause i'm leaving on a jet plane,
Don't know when i'll be back again-
Oh Babe, I hate to go.
So many times I've let you down,
so many times I've played around.
I'll tell you now, they don't mean a thing.
Every place I go I'll think of you.
Ever song I sing, I'll sing for you
When I come back, I'll wear you wedding ring.
So kiss me and smile for me,
Tell me what you'll wait for me.
Hold me like you'll never let me go.
'Cause i'm leaving on a jet plane,
Don't know when i'll be back again-
Oh Babe, I hate to go.
Now the time has come to leave you,
One more time let me kiss you,
Then close your eyes, I'll be on my way.
Dream about the days to come.
When I won't have to leave alone,
About the times i won't have to say...
So kiss me and smile for me,
Tell me what you'll wait for me.
Hold me like you'll never let me go.
'Cause i'm leaving on a jet plane,
Don't know when i'll be back again-
Oh Babe, I hate to go.
Eve 6 -I'm Leaving on Jet Plane
Well... I guess the reason I chose it is because it's KINDA relevent to what's going on right now...
Tonight was the farewell dinner for 3 of the few most important people of my life.. Mr. Bill, Mrs. Becky, and Sarah. Mr. Bill and Mrs. Becky have been like second parents to me.. They've always been there for me and always will be, even though they are moving halfway across the country. Sarah has been for the most part, i'd like to think... My best friend since i've known her which was before Pre-k.
I never realized how much of an impact they've had on my life until this day. Until I realized... This is it, it's possible I could never actually see them again. And all these people came up to me today, telling me hey you know if you ever need help or a ride or anything you just call.. It made me feel loved, wanted, accepted... That people actually cared enough to come up to me and show that I meant something to them. It's amazing how a few words can affect you so... I'll never for get the Wallaces... Or this night.
-As Always
-The Fearful Walker
Posted at 11:47 pm by NonDiutiusAmor
Friday, August 13, 2004
Go Back to the Way it Was.
-The Fearful Walker
I'll never understand it...
I'll never understand you.
The way you are,
the way you'll always be.
One day your there,
the next you've dissapeared..
I barely know you...
But who's fault is that?
Every step I take forward.
You take two steps back.
I'll never get what I saw in you...
If you'll never give me that chance to..
But I can't wait forever...
And I won't always be here.
You had your chance,
and now you've lost it.
I'm sorry for all the grief,
all the grief I caused you.
All the stress I gave you
All the hate I fed you...
But now I'm gone...
So you don't have to worry anymore...
Go back to the way it was,
when I was never there..
Go back to the way it was...
Before you took a dare...
Posted at 11:25 pm by NonDiutiusAmor
Thursday, August 12, 2004
School was regular today...
Boring...Nothing exciting... at all.. Went to target after school for last minute shopping things...Me and my friend were talking about Suicide yesterday... Well I mean! Not commiting it.. Just... about it. Cause in a previous post I wrote a poem about it.
Suicide
-The Fearful Walker
She looks in the mirror.
Like so many time before.
Sick of the face before her.
Disgusted at the unchanging.
Disgusted at herself.
Finally it's taken a toll on her.
She's tired of it,
She's sick of it.
She's in this mold
and she can't break free.
She screams for help,
but they are all to deaf to hear.
She crys for attention,
but they couldn't care less.
She's made to be perfect.
And she can't make a flaw.
She makes good grades,
but she doesn't have a life.
She sits at home,
and works,
and studies,
and has no friends.
But her suffering will come to an end...
This night.
A kitchen knife.
Clean and gorgeous.
Her friend, her refuge, her solace.
One quick swipe, that's all it would take.
One quick swipe.
And blood flows free.
One more, and it could all be over.
One more.
And it pours from her veins.
Clang. As the knife tumbles to the ground.
Landing loudly on a tile floor.
Tears trickle from her eyes.
Never ceasing,
like the blood never stopping.
Suddenly a change of heart...
But wasn't it to late?
She quickly washes her wrists.
Wrapping them in cloth.
She may have been free for a moment.
But she's forever in chains now.
Two scars, always haunting her.
Reminding her of that day.
She has to wear sweaters and bracelets,
even when it isn't cold.
In attempts to free herself...
She only caged herself more.
Suicide.
Is not the anwser. She said she was glad I was a strong one...for some reason that hit me... Made me think...
I've never been strong all my life. Never been able to stand up for myself nothing... Why is this any different? I mean sure i've thought about stuff like that... But I could never actually do it... Like I said... I value life to much, but not my own. I've never know the pain of losing someone to suicide myself. But many of my friends and family have. I mean, just think how it affects them. They never expected it and now their whole world is turned upside down..
-As Always
-The Fearful Walker Posted at 11:16 pm by NonDiutiusAmor
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For anything but a little acceptance. They don't care... They never will. They will go on... Their days filled with sunshine, I won't make their bright skys grey. I'll never bring a smile to your face... So just leave me be... Leave me alone. Don't you see... I can't be what you want me to be?
Hiding beneath the clouds... to my own dismay. Within the crowd. Just another face. Just another pair of eyes. Don't you see... I'm just who I am... I'm just me... My hair will never be the way you like it. My eyes will never be as pleasing as you want them. My whisper will never be soothing. I'll never be the girl you need me to be.
Don't look at me... You have no right to judge me. Standing there on your soap box. You think you know me!? This isn't me... This is some mask i wear... Something I hide behind. Something I've become... Because I'll never be... I can't be who you want me to be.
I wish you could just let me be... to sulk within my own misery. Cause there is no hope for me... There's no hope for you. Just stop it please. Haven't I changed enough? Isn't it enough? What more do you want from me? My heart? Take it... It's yours... My soul? What's left of it... Just leave me be... Let me be me...